HE DRINKS YOUR MILKSHAKE

Just as I was settling into our Canadian-esque weather today (overcast, cloudy with a 90% chance of whining), David Shoalts has graced me with yet another whiff of his greatness (today’s smell was distinctly chili dog, EASY David).

Since Shoalts can’t find anything else to write about, he’s once again devoted time to the subject no one cares to hear his opinion about- Phoenix. This marks the 422nd time David has written an article NOT in any way shape or form related to Toronto, much less Canada. In the title he compares the Coyotes situation to a haunting (ooo, how vivid, what a picture he paints- is this like ghost haunting or David Shoalts haunting the press box for Cheez Its?)

Let’s begin.

By now, the Phoenix Coyotes should have their own permanent entry on the agenda of the NHL board of governors’ annual meeting.

Other agenda items David suggested:

1. Draping NHL shield in Canadian leaf.

2. Serving at least 5 helpings of Canadian bacon.

3. Ritualistic pissing on Arizona flag.

4. Hot Dogs at games- NOT NEARLY HOT ENOUGH.

NHL deputy commissioner Bill Daly insists otherwise. He said in an e-mail there is “nothing new to report on the Coyotes’ sale. Any realignment plan approved by the board will be able to accommodate a change in situation for the Coyotes.”

This is literally where a better journalist (or just a good journalist, let’s face it) ends the article. Oh, Bill Daly said there’s nothing new to report and other reports (this would involve David having a work ethic) insist negotiations continue behind the scenes. “Maybe I’ll write about something relevant today and not make shit up.”

That last quote is of course what a REGULAR journalist would think.

While the NHL has made it known two groups are in the picture – one led by Chicago White Sox and Chicago Bulls owner Jerry Reinsdorf and another fronted by former San Jose Sharks president Greg Jamison – even those in the middle of the situation don’t know what is happening.

This is a complete fabrication. Utter bullshit. The Arizona Republic JUST spoke with Reinsdorf’s group who publicly ON THE RECORD said that negotiations should wrap up one way or the other by the end of the year. Again, this sort of journalistic follow up must be incredibly difficult since I’m sure Google doesn’t exist in Canada.

“There’s so many rumours I’m not sure of my own name any more,” Glendale city councillor Phil Lieberman said.

Phil Lieberman is a crazy person. He is literally the crazy old crazy Uncle on the council NO ONE LISTENS TO. Shoalts would know this if he got off his fat ass and did some basic research. OR TRIED EMAILING ONE OF THE OTHER COUNCIL MEMBERS, YOU DOLT.

Lieberman said he and his fellow councillors expect to get an update on the sale from Glendale city manager Ed Beasley at an in-camera meeting Tuesday.

HOLY SHIT – A FACT. THROW A PARADE. BRING IN THE DANCING LADIES.

Beasley and Glendale Mayor Elaine Scruggs were the driving forces behind the city’s disastrous entry into the game of building facilities for professional sports teams. The only success is the University of Phoenix Stadium for the NFL’s Arizona Cardinals.

OH JUST THE NFL STADIUM WAS A SUCCESS? Oh, only an NFL stadium? That’s like what – a CFL stadium, except you know bigger and better? Shoalts neglects to mention that the spring training stadium will be paid off via tourism taxes- but no worries, that sort of research would involved real journalism, NOT DAVID’S STRONG SUIT.

Two sources keeping tabs on the Coyotes sale believe Jamison has a conditional agreement with the NHL to buy the team. But he has to raise the money to meet the NHL’s asking price of $170-million (U.S.) and sources believe he has not be able to do so thus far.

If Jamison is unsuccessful, it is thought the NHL and Glendale will go back to Reinsdorf, who has been in and out of the sale negotiations even before the league bought the team out of bankruptcy in October of 2009 for $140-million.

See where he casually said “It’s thought” this code word for I’M MAKING SHIT UP. There is a Phoenix radio station host who has a friend who is a member of the Jamison Group. This person BROKE the story about the Jamison group. All David has to do is email this person to get info. But it is a lot easier to pretend to have sources on the inside and make up bullshit.

At some point, NHL commissioner Gary Bettman is going to face some hard questions from the governors.

1. Will David Shoalts continue to eat through the press box hot dogs each week?

2. Is there anything we can do to prevent the NHL from moving to another prairie town?

3. How soon can we move Winnipeg to Vegas?

The economic forecast for Glendale is not promising.

Let’s see- the NHL spends zero money on marketing. The last FOUR YEARS have been marred by relocation rumors. The local AZ paper won’t cover the Coyotes AND STILL-

SEASON TICKET SALES JUMPED UP TO THE HIGHEST LEVEL IN YEARS.

David Shoalts is an elitist dick.

A few weeks ago, I sat around a fire at the Arizona Biltmore and talked with a New York Times best selling author. This particular author, Maddox, I’ve been keeping track of since my high school years. My friends and I would send his hilarious rants about children’s artwork or hippies back and forth monthly- we hero worshiped him for daring to say what guys REALLY thought on the internet. I even have a Maddox t-shirt somewhere in my closet. Glancing back at my early writing, I was clearly trying to imitate his style and voice.

In person Maddox is friendly, down to earth and intelligent. I’ve been lucky enough to work for another famous blogger (and pioneer of fratire, coincidentally), Tucker Max. That opportunity opened up doors for me to engage with various other “personalities.” Based on those experiences, I’ll forever be wary of meeting anyone “famous.” You never know what you’re going to get.

My meeting with Maddox started because of an email. My relationship with Tucker Max started with an email. Both men are acutely aware of how easily their fans can get a hold of them. I’m always amused when people breathlessly ask me how I managed to track Tucker down. Well, clicking around his website was a start.

Just last week I started a dialog on Twitter with Dan Harmon, creator of one of my favorite shows, Community. Chances are, I’ll never meet Dan and he certainly could never pick me out of a crowd (much less want to meet me, I’m sure) but the access we (as a generation) have to interesting people is mind boggling. While Dan and I were just talking about issues of the day- I was still talking to Dan Harmon about issues of the day. Think about that. Want the viewpoint of someone you respect? ASK THEM.

Whatever your interest in ANY subject, person, place- track that person/expert down. Tell them you admire their work. Strike up a conversation. For me, it’s TV & film. I’m interested in how Dan Harmon views the world/Hollywood etc. Reach out- take the risk that someone will say No to you, because that’s the worst that will happen.

Sitting around that fire, not only was I learning from Maddox- I was able to have a real conversation with the George the person as opposed to Maddox the author. His was willing to talk about his successes and failures and some of the roadblocks I might encounter going forward. The conversation was one I won’t soon forget.

Last night I clicked Export on what I hope is the final draft of my reality show sizzle reel. It wasn’t a special moment. At the time I was second guessing many of my editorial decisions and playing out how conversations would go with the many people that needed to see my cut. This project is my first real foray into reality TV, but I’m the sort of person who cannot stand the thought of fucking up my own project. I’m entirely unforgiving of my own mistakes. And those mistakes (whatever they may be, I’m sure I’ll find out down the road) were weighing heavily on me last night.

Today though- it’s a good day to give myself the briefest of pats on the back. Your life and opportunities are what you make of them. Always say yes to that risk- whether it’s moving to Louisiana straight out of college to make a movie, a fireside chat with a blogger or just a random tweet.

You never know.

It’s liberating to lose an argument. I hate it, really really really hate it, but there’s absolutely nothing like getting your ass handed to you by someone who beats you at your own game. That moment when you stare into space going “Shit, I think it’s over.” That precise second when you realize anything you say back won’t circumvent the logic of your opponent. Absolutely, utterly enraging.

However, good practice for someone like me who takes pride in being able to consistently defend a position.

Case in point, an argument I had with a friend over the purpose of the Emmys. I unsuccessfully took the position that the Emmys should reward the best possible comedies/dramas on the basis of artistic merit. I pointed out the absurdity of Chuck Lorre’s continuous wins (Two and a Half Men) while shows like Community and Always Sunny sit out in the cold. Obviously a few of you have already guessed the follies of my argument:

1. What defines “success”? 28 MILLION people watched Two and a Half Men the other night- clearly it’s a comedic success in that 28 million people get their comedy fix satiated and CBS bathes in advertiser dollars.

2. Who am I to define what is funny? If 28 million people think Two and a Half Men is funny, maybe I’m the idiot (obviously, I don’t subscribe to this sort of relativism, but it’s a valid counterpoint).

Lastly, if Always Sunny and Community, two shows I believe are vastly superior in quality to Two and a Half Men are to succeed, it can’t come at the expense of another comedy. Those two shows have to thrive on their own merits, not the failings of either Chuck Lorre or America’s poor taste. As my friend pointed out, Chuck Lorre slave drives his writing staff, they work hard at their jokes, just as hard as Always Sunny/Community one can assume.

Anyway, here’s a clip of Ashton Kutcher’s wildly successful debut, sans laugh track. I gave Chuck Lorre some leeway here by picking out one of Kutcher’s better scenes (yes, this does mean I watched all 30 minutes, I actually wanted to be pleasantly surprised). I find this incredibly unfunny- but what the hell do I know?

Not much, obviously.

Since Warner Bros has a stick up their ass about free publicity and I can’t embed- here’s the link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d_mYFYHrBAw

Of late, my time has been taken up with shaping, filming and cutting a reality project. I’m learning the ins and outs of how not only to potentially sell a project- but really brushing up on my ideas of form and how to capture the essence of a story in a short amount of time.

The first cut of my reality project sizzle reel clocked in at 6:24. It was not a good cut. Was it interesting? Yeah, I thought so. Did it describe my main character well? Definitely. Would you learn something about the show? Absolutely.

But it sucked for my purpose. My purpose is to sell a show. My purpose is to show people who have many demands on their time something that quickly tells them exactly what sort of show they are purchasing. I failed in this regard.

My second cut was dramatically different.  I only recycled 3-4 shots from the first cut, which is hilarious in a “wow I suck” sort of way, because a few weeks ago I had set up an elaborate shoot with a rental camera which took days of prep, lighting, logistics etc over 2 days and I used maybe 4 seconds of it. 2 days for 4 seconds. Bummer. But, story first. Story always.

Who are my characters? How do they interact? What’s unique about them? These questions have to drive any writer/editor who is trying to tell a story. All those pretty shots with pretty people or lengthy informative speeches all have to go by the wayside. Story. Story. Story.

I happened to have a camera with me a few days ago doing a quick pick up for an interview when one of my characters went on a trip in his car. I asked if I could tag along, clicked the record button and what followed makes up 50% of my new cut. That’s the fun part of reality TV, at least on my end. My fancy shoot with my fancy camera in the end may prove useful (although you could argue it already has by informing me what I don’t need), but what I captured sitting shotgun on a drive through the city has ended shaping my story.

I’ve started watching one of my childhood shows, The X-Files from beginning to end on Netflix. As a kid I enjoyed the creepiness, the always wanting to believe crusading Mulder and the unfolding saga of alien abduction. Now, I’m struck by something entirely different.

Each show opens with the answer to the question that drives the episode.

Each cold open (for the most part) usually involves a murder, disappearance or whathaveyou in the exact same manner that Mulder and Scully later determine to be the cause of the murder, disappearance or what have you. In essence, we, the audience should flip the channel. “Oh, the murders are caused by vampires.” Cue X-Files open, we change the channel. But we don’t.

Why?

We know full well Scully won’t believe it’s a vampire, even though we know full well they ARE vampires. We even know we’ll watch Mulder try to convince her, while we sit in our living rooms knowing exactly what conclusion they’ll come to (sometimes, sometimes there’s a twist).

Maybe the writers behind the X-Files (and what a writing staff that was, Vince Gilligan, Howard Gordon, William Gibson, etc.) may not have had confidence in the show’s structure and felt that immediately hinting/revealing the ghoul of the week was a way to keep more simpleminded viewers glued to the tube. Once they struck upon that formula why change, right?

Whatever the case (and I doubt my simple explanation is right) it’s a terribly difficult balancing act. Once the audience is “in” how do you keep them? It’s much the same sort of question I’m wrestling with now. I’ve got a neat concept (I’m not revolutionizing TV here) with plenty of drama to be had, but it’s the characters that are unique. The characters drive the story, how they react, what they decide, why they decide it. We care about them.

The X-Files purpose was to spin a great yarn and keep us hooked for 43 minutes each Sunday. Their structure (sci-fi, believer vs. non-believer) provided enough material for 8 seasons. Season 9, sans David Duchovny’s Mulder, proved that the formula had lost its luster. The dynamic between Mulder and Scully was gone and Robert Patrick’s Doggett, while interesting, kinda, was no Mulder.

Here’s hoping I’ve got more Mulder and less Doggett.

I’ve finally reached my breaking point.

As a long time Phoenix Coyote fan, I’m constantly bombarded with stupidity on my twitter account about how much I “totally SUK, LOL.” This is totally fine of course since it usually comes from twitter accounts based in Bumfuck, Canada and I could give a crap.

However, I’m sick and tired of lazy reporters like Gary Lawless from the Winnipeg Free Press and David Shoalts from The Toronto Globe and Mail and their bullshit rumormongering/regurgitating that I’ve decided to commit to a weekly column mocking them and their clown reporting.

I’ve met very decent, kind and responsible reporters from Canada- and the “journalism” that these two exhibit is just pathetic. Let’s begin shall we? Take it away, David.

Alas, the latest report that the Phoenix Coyotes have a “serious” buyer in negotiations, the 432nd such report by my calculations, was shot down by various people with a connection to the NHL’s longest-running farce.

This report later confirmed to be true in every respect by ESPN among other credible sources. Journalism is HARRDDDD, isn’t it David?

However, all is not lost. This modest corner of the sporting world can offer yet another rich guy who can finally put all concerned out of their misery.

Greg Jamison? The guy mentioned in the factual report you just blew off? Or do you have some moronic tangent to go on?

We speak of W. Brett Wilson, the Calgary financier and television star whose name comes up regularly as a potential NHL owner.

BORING TANGENT ALERT. BORING TANGENT ALERT.

Now, there are a few obstacles, such as the fact Wilson is hoping to be approved soon as a part-owner of the Nashville Predators and protested through e-mail that he is not part of any Coyotes bid.

So the rest of this article is pointless?

However, it is Wilson’s new television show that is more of interest here.

Question answered.

Wilson’s new show is the appropriately titled Risky Business,

Does Tom Cruise host hooker parties in his underwear?? That’d be interesting.

In each of the 13 episodes, couples (married, unmarried and otherwise) risk their life savings on their choice of two “high-risk, high-reward” business ventures put forward by two entrepreneurs. The couple invests in one, Wilson takes the other and the viewers see who loses their shirts and who makes money over the next 30 days.

Wow, what a horrible premise: take your life savings and entrust them into a shitty reality show on the SLICE CHANNEL? I can see why you’d want to enthuse over this, David.

As you can see, this is perfect for NHL commissioner Gary Bettman’s quest to unload the Coyotes.

My God, he’s done it! Forget competent ownership, a broad marketing strategy and the end of the recession- REALITY TV, THAT’S THE TICKET.

Bringing the Coyotes to Risky Business is a win-win situation for all concerned. Bettman finally gets to pitch the Coyotes to people actually prepared to make an investment with their own money, Wilson gets a sure ratings winner and the rest of us get to see yet another train wreck or the biggest win ever against all odds.

Things that could have been reported in this article: Facts. Quotes. Numbers?

Things discussed ad nauseum: endorsement for a shitty show on a shitty channel.

So far, the proposed investments for the couples on Risky Business seem rather conservative compared with the Coyotes. One fellow will try to sell his plan to buy, race and sell a standardbred horse, all in 30 days. Another says there is a great market in rare wine labels. And there is a would-be promoter asking for backing on a one-night event at a nightclub.

Oh horsetrack racing, wine labels and NIGHT CLUBS- that’s a fucking solid investment strategy. David Shoalts- financial adviser to the stars.

As anyone who has listened to Bettman gloss over the troubles of the NHL knows, he could talk Charlie Sheen into joining the Women’s Christian Temperance Union.

HEYYY-OOOO. A Charlie Sheen joke. I see David has managed to fire up the interwebs and navigate to the googles AND TIME TRAVEL 4 MONTHS IN THE PAST FOR THAT GEM OF A JOKE.

Okay, there still might be a problem or two. Wilson and his producers say any proposed venture has to have the potential to turn a profit in 30 days. Maybe they could make it 30 years, just for the Coyotes.

/smugly smiles, pats Coyote fan on the head, sniffs own fart

There is also the size of the investment from each couple. In the first two episodes of the show, the biggest investment is $10,000.

Then again, that is roughly equivalent to how much of their own money the potential Coyotes buyers so far have been willing to put up.

FLASHBACK: Shoalts reports Hulsizer has $100,000,000 in escrow to close Coyotes deal.

BREAKING NEWS: Shoalts is a moron.