So in the interest of my continuing education program, I’ll breakdown his Shoalts-esque work with my usual combination of facts and vitriol!

DAY WALKER

In any other context, it would be a story as uplifting and inspirational as the Phoenix Coyotes’ unlikely run through the Stanley Cup playoffs has been so far.

Tales of persistence and perseverance, of fighting uphill battles and somehow winning?

Sports fans — even hockey fans in Phoenix — lap that up, with good reason.

EVEN hockey fans in Phoenix? /sniffs own fart

(By the way, by any rational measure, the hockey fans in Phoenix are better than the fans in Canada. Being a hockey fan in Canada is being born. Congrats! You did it. Being a fan here means dedication through the Gretzky years, a Canadian who ruined hockey here- thaaanks!, constant derision by assclowns like YOU & marginalization in a saturated market. So, in the words of Cartman: suck my balls.)

He even got a live body, Jamison, the respected former president of the San Jose Sharks, to stand up and say it was so. And he did it in advance of home game with a full(ish) building expected to watch the plucky Coyotes try to advance to the Western Conference finals.

How’s that for feel good?

What shame, and a sham.

What douchiness, and a… douche? Hey Grange- how much money were the Sharks losing when Jamison took over? What did Jamison do to turn around a failing franchise? THESE ARE RELEVANT QUESTIONS THAT JOURNALISTS COULD BE ANSWERING IF THEY WEREN’T TOO BUSY CIRCLE JERKING EACHOTHER TO THOUGHTS OF NORDIQUES JERSEYS.

By the way, at this point I’d like point out that (speaking of pleasuring people) Grange’s twitter is pretty much an overt monument of love to Steve Nash right now. /irony

If Bettman really wanted to hold a press conference that would please someone, anyone, that cares about hockey or about the NHL or about a mid-sized desert town already stretched past its financial limit, he’d announce the Coyotes were leaving, not staying.

“Uhh, fuck you.” -Every Phoenix fan

By the way, his logic here is past the point of absurdity. If he cared about the NHL, or understood basic economics, he would know that Phoenix is a must have market in terms of dollars. Idiot. (Derrr send them to another Canadian prairie town- derr, that’s good for the NHL).

/NBC slits wrists

The deal for an NHL team in Glendale will likely be so bad the community would be better off if the team simply went ‘poof’. Surely the NHL and its players would be better served in a market where there was a fighting chance to make some money.

Surely, I’m talking out my ass.

/Bets money that he quotes Lieberman

According to long-time Glendale city councilor Phil Lieberman, the terms of the deal being given to Jamison — who has partners, apparently, but wouldn’t name them — basically see him guaranteed $306 million in management fees for Jobing.com Arena over the next 21 years, or an average of $14.6 million a year. A large chunk of that money is front-end loaded, with Glendale on the hook for $92 million over the next five years.

/Wins bet.

/Almost ignores rest of article based on quoting of Lieberman.

14.6 million to KEEP THE TEAM IN GLENDALE. Let me see, US Airways Center down the road is in that area (basic research moron).

By the way, estimated losses, JUST SALES TAX, if the Coyotes leave- 300 million over that time period. NOT including debt on arena. So thanks for the advice, jackass.

Also, please tell the 200 people who would lose their jobs if the Coyotes left how happy you’d be for them!

So no, he and his backers — whoever they are — aren’t complete fools to write a cheque for $170 million for a team that has lost more than $50 million the past two seasons despite a rock bottom payroll and consecutive playoff appearances.

The management fee seems like a pretty good deal for them, revenue sharing makes it better. Nearby University of Phoenix Stadium, home to the Arizona Cardinals of the NFL, carries a $9.2-million management fee annually.

U of Phoenix, which you selectively informed readers is 9.6 million (WITH HALF OF THE FUCKING EVENTS OF JOBING) is STILL in that area.

What fucking world do you think you live in where YOU, pissant writer, think you get to personally vet Greg Jamison’s investors? By the way, since I DO know who his partners are, guess what- a lot of them are sports people, sharp sports people, who believe that Greg Jamison can do what he always does- turn franchises with tons of potential into perennial winners.

Who knows? There might be some money to be made…

Yes, that’s why Jamison is buying the team you fucking dunce. He isn’t in this for charity work.

Lieberman has long been a vocal opponent of paying the NHL to stay in Phoenix from his seat on council, and he was no different when Bettman and his posse presented the deal to him in a conference room at city hall Wednesday afternoon.

He’s also the Mr. Magoo of the City Council. No one pays attention to him. You’d know this if you weren’t a fly-by-night jagoff.

They didn’t change his mind, though it’s expected a majority of the seven city councilors will approve the deal.

“If I had to choose between the Coyotes staying and them leaving, I wish they were leaving,” said Lieberman.

Yup, idiot. Grange, do you have anything of substance to say?

t’s not hard to see why, and they still may yet. Monday night’s press conference aside, there are a lot of hurdles to overcome before a deal to keep the Coyotes out of Quebec City is reached.

No there aren’t. YOU JUST SAID HE HAS THE VOTES.

The city of Glendale has to agree to the deal being sought by the Jamison group, DONE and then a city with a $35-million budget shortfall has to figure out how to pay for it — THEY WILL no easy task given homeowners are already going to be hit with a 30 per cent property tax hike in August that will likely come with a layoff of city employees. There’s also the matter of the watchdog Goldwater Institute deciding whether or not the deal is enough of an affront to taxpayers to make it worthwhile opposing through litigation. THEY WON’T

Oh look another Canadian not understanding how the GWI works. If they didn’t oppose the NHL’s inflated 25 million, why the fuck would they bother to oppose 14.5? It’s the same legal principles. The city has to pay SOMEONE to operate the arena.

So come on Gary. What do you say? Do you really want to have press conference people can feel good about? How about giving Glendale, the NHLPA, hockey fans in Quebec City or even Southern Ontario a break and doing the right thing.

Oh, so you’re just another Canadian homer writer looking for some free press. Glad we were able to finally to get to the root of your issue. Fuck you very much.

Next time you have an announcement to make in Glendale regarding the Coyotes, how about cutting the taxpayers a cheque for $10 million or so as a token of your appreciation, offering a heartfelt apology for everything that’s happened and then get the hell out?

Yeah, that will solve a 200 million BKed arena and a defunct Westgate. Take your shit journalism and get back to hero-worshiping one of Phoenix’s best athletes.

The economy in Phoenix was hit hard and recovering. Gretzky and his band of fuckwits drove the team into the ground, the team has obviously recovered. The metro-Phoenix area is MOVING WEST. All of these things point to something- that the Coyotes are a good long term investment, which is EXACTLY what Jamison is banking on.

You’d know this if you were unbiased or competent.

/DISMISSIVE WANKING MOTION

I hate myself for doing this, but after promising not to read David’s previous article, I did and I got really angry, and this is what happened.

There are some interesting numbers flying around in the negotiations between the NHL, the city of Glendale and prospective buyer Greg Jamison for the Phoenix Coyotes.

Of which you KNOW nothing, but what the hell does that matter? Speculate away.

While the numbers, which include a sale price, $40-million (all currency U.S.) in up-front money from Glendale plus annual fees as high as $16-million paid to Jamison for operating Jobing.com Arena, could not be confirmed, they do not support the optimism that once again surrounds the long-running soap opera. The proposed sale price of $140-million calls for a bigger haircut than the NHL was ever willing to concede and the money Glendale is expected to kick in is much more than the cash-strapped city can afford.

None of this is true. Jamison will end up buying the team for 170 (or somewhere thereabouts). By the way, you fucking hypocrite, part of your argument used to be that the free market should buy the Coyotes, so who the fuck cares what price they go for? The economics (that’s dollars stuff, David) make enough sense that the NHL is willing to keep the Coyotes in a major U.S. market at great expense instead of shipping them to a fucking prairie town in Canada, over your verbose objections- so again- WHAT DO YOU CARE?

By the way, when all the Canadian teams were on NHL welfare up until say, 2007, where the fuck were you constantly advocating the Canucks or Oilers relocation?

Glendale city councillor Phil Lieberman said Friday he has heard the suburban city is being asked to contribute $40-million up front plus the annual management fees but will never vote for it. (Lieberman is a moron, no one quotes him except Shoalts). A spokeswoman for city manager Ed Beasley, Glendale’s chief negotiator, said there will be no comments during the negotiations.

Ah, how professional, a breath of fresh air. A person who knows everything not divulging private negotiations. Guess David will have to make some more shit up. By the way, paying two years up front on a management fee is not that big of a deal. Any management of any huge arena is going to command that sort of money. Just means Glendale AVOIDS paying for it in say 2014. Again, who gives a fuck?

Glendale officials goosed the optimism meter this week by telling council that Jamison, the former president of the San Jose Sharks, is now the preferred bidder. Council responded by telling Beasley to keep negotiating only with Jamison. NHL commissioner Gary Bettman said there is no deadline for a deal but Glendale needs to have the budget for its 2013 fiscal year in place by mid-June.

GOD DAMMIT WHAT DOES THIS TELL YOU FUCKING DOLT? Put two and two together. Contact Lisa Halverstadt, WHO JUST REPORTED ON THIS TURN OF EVENTS. She is on the ground, IN GLENDALE, talking to people who matter.

Or just continue on with your incoherent babbling.

The theory is a lease with Jamison will employ the same language to provide him with $40-million. The city may borrow the money through its Enterprise Fund, which is for sewers and water, and pay $1-million per year back into that fund for 40 years from its General Fund.

HAVE YOU READ THE CONTRACT DAVID? OR ARE YOU MAKING SHIT UP AGAIN? PHIL LIEBERMAN DOES NOT QUALIFY AS A KNOWLEDGEABLE SOURCE. /breathes into bag

HOW IS MANCHESTER UNITED FAIRING UNDER ICE EDGE?

In addition, the city would pay $16-million per year to Jamison as a management fee for the arena.

Well no shit Sherlock! All huge arenas require management fees that number in the tens of millions.

A source familiar with Arionza’s (DOES ANYONE SPELL CHECK DAVID’S ARTICLES? THEY SURE AS SHIT DON’T FACT CHECK THEM). gift clause said he does not think the $40-million payment would pass muster legally. He also questioned the management fee on the same grounds, saying it was above fair market value. Lieberman said another problem is the interest costs on the $40-million over 40 years would be prohibitive.

You’re quoting Liberman again. Any point you are making is therefore invalid.

Finally, the amount put into the deal by Jamison is said to be $100-million, which means the purchase price has to be $140-million. Since the NHL previously demanded $170-million and Bettman promised the league owners they would not lose money on the Coyotes, it would be difficult for the league to accept that offer. Not when there are prospective owners willing to pay as much as $200-million if they can move the team to another city.

Jamison will pay 170. All of your worthless speculation is a combination of hearsay on the Kaites deal and shit you are making up. I am so sick of having to ream your stupid ass for basic journalistic violations that would make Stephen Glass blush.

There is also news that the arena deal between the NBA’s Sacramento Kings and the city of Sacramento is falling apart and the team owners, the Maloof family, are prepared to move the team. One of the main candidates is Seattle, which is putting together an arena plan. If an NBA team is headed there, it increases the possibility of an NHL team coming as well.

I hope to GOD that you keep writing about the Coyotes, if for no other reason than some other nice fanbase (Sacramento) doesn’t have to deal with your constant bullshit mongering. I award you zero journalistic points and may God have mercy on your soul.

/opens window, seriously considers jumping out of it to dull the pain of reading Shoalts

David Shoalts, beat reporter for the Coyotes- oh wait sorry… /checks Shoalts credentials

David Shoalts, noted old guy, predictor of all things incorrect, THE Sultan of Speculation, has once again done the impossible: written 400 words without saying anything of interest.

(Ed note: Due to David’s abbreviated article, I only banged my head against my desk 3 times while writing this. NEW RECORD! Also, I’m aware David posted ANOTHER article full of speculation wherein he mentioned “OMG THE Goldwater Institute, OMG.” David knows NOTHING about the deal & he’s really stretching by trying to encourage the GWI to get involved. Pssst, it doesn’t matter, the way the deal is structured won’t bother GWI. You think Greg Jamison is stupid enough to NOT learn from Hulsizer’s smoke and mirrors deal, David? Reading Shoalts is borderline insulting to anyone’s intelligence).

Ahem, David, if you would please…

The Phoenix Coyotes’ 3-2 overtime win over the Chicago Blackhawks was one for fans of the ironic.

Just like YOUR articles are ones for the moronic. See what I did there?

One of the Coyotes’ key goals, by Taylor Pyatt early in the second period, was scored when the officials failed to see the Coyotes had six skaters on the ice. During a sloppy line change as the puck was headed to the Blackhawks’ zone, an extra Coyotes player wound up on the ice behind the play.

Let’s just go with an immediate “Seriously? Shut the fuck up David.”- the Philly goal was offsides- where was your righteous indignation then?

Then again, perhaps the linesman who failed to see the extra Coyotes player skating behind him can’t be blamed.

Yes he can. Who the fuck else would you blame? The beer vendor? Oh wait, is this the setup for a stupid joke?

After all, too many men is not something that is ever seen at Jobing.com Arena, as the Coyotes’ miniscule attendance (Thursday’s opening game of the NHL Western Conference playoff series was a rare exception) is the reason for its perpetual spot on the brink of financial ruin.

UGHHHHH. A too many men attendance joke? /takes hammer, hits head

This level of snark & stupidity is truly indicative of the depths Shoalts is willing to hit. Is there anything factual you’d care to share David? Do you have anything of substance?

(BTW jagoff, nice work giving some context on the attendance. No  mention of Moyes, no mention of slashed marketing/PR budget, no mention of the FACTS- season ticket holders are UP, and the Coyotes have sold more tickets this year than any year since 1999. You’re fucking pathetic. This is what a REAL columnist does.)

But hope of new buyers springs eternal, as the latest fellow to receive preferred bidder status, former San Jose Sharks president Greg Jamison, was among the announced crowd of 17,138. As one wit noted on Twitter the other day after I posted an annual rite of the NHL spring is wondering where the Coyotes will move, another rite is seeing the newest prospective owner at a playoff game.

Or one could deduce that they AREN’T fucking moving using that retarded logic. How about some background on Jamison, David? How much money were the Sharks losing when he took over? /Research is haaarrrddd

No one is saying much about Jamison’s bid, other than he is also negotiating some sort of deal for Jobing.com Arena with the city of Glendale and he is also interested in buying the nearby mall, Westgate City Center. The mall’s future is up in the air since its former owner, developer Steve Ellman who once owned the Coyotes as well, lost it to his bankers when they foreclosed.

No, people are saying plenty about Jamison’s bid. However, no one is talking to YOU, dickhead, because you deliberately cheerlead AGAINST the Coyotes and write like a raging elitist. People, like Lisa Halverstadt, are doing RESEARCH and working sources. You’re eating cheetos and saluting the Canadian flag as you type.

Right now, though, good feelings abound in Glendale thanks to Martin Hanzal’s overtime winner at 9:29 of the first overtime period. That broke a five-game home losing streak in the playoffs for the Coyotes and gave them a 1-0 lead on the Blackhawks.

FACT ALERT FACT ALERT. START THE PARADE. QUEUE THE DANCING GIRLS. POP THE CHAMPAGNE.

The Coyotes rode the heroics of goaltender Mike Smith to the win but now must worry about their leading scorer, Radim Vrbata. He was lost early in the game when he was knocked into the boards and is listed as day-to-day.

You’re right, if only he was playing the Coyotes could have won or something.

Just kidding. 99% of the comments I’ve received have been boorish, insulting and offensive comments from Canadians (specifically QC folks) who can’t articulate anything beyond “PHX SUX LOL.”

Sidebar: Humorously, a gentlemen from Winnipeg weighed in (get OVER it, you have a team, we ALL know). Never seen a more insecure fanbase than Winnipeg- his arguments boiled down to “PHX SUX” too & weren’t worth posting.

One person in particular, however, does deserve special mention as he represents a number of commenters (and twitter folks) from QC. Normally, I just laugh at comments like this (because most QCers lack a basic grasp of the English language & I don’t know French), but since this person has threatened Coyotes fans in general and specifically me, I’ll post all of his comments here & let the chips fall as they may.

If you are a Coyotes fan, I encourage you to stay away from anyone wearing a Nordiques jersey for the duration of the playoffs. Not because I think this clown is actually going to do you any bodily harm (people who threaten physical abuse on the internet are cowards in person) but because people from Quebec on the internet have consistently proven to be the worst sorts of hockey fans- selfish, insecure, cruel & ignorant. Don’t give them the time of day.

That being said, I hand you over to “PatioPal” a sad, sad little man. The following are the unedited posts (minus the truly offensive stuff I’ve altered slightly).

Stay classy, Quebec.

TODAY

PatioPal99@hotmail.ca
IP Address: 70.24.18.101
(I’ll save you the suspense, he’s posting from Canada)

hey Greg you ni*ger loving piece a shit.. come meet me at gate 7 at the second playoff game, ill even wear a Nordiques jersey so you can pick me out, id love to show you what Hockey is all about after i smash your face in a cactus tree. The NHL is moving to Canada get over it fucktard. Nobody in Canad acares about Phoenix or Fla or Dallas.. you knowledge of hockey is shit, please please meet me next week im dying to break your bones

**
Hey ,i think your the biggest pussy face asshole on the net! still sleeping with your mom and dad greg .. you pansey asshole.

**

your ana asshole meet me anytime , im in AZ  next week so set up at time and place  ,no infact maybe since you cant handle the truth maybe we should play with your site a bit?  huh?

**

I see you erase my comment because i speak the truth with facts..  Go Nordiques GO from an Arizonian

Quick note, I never POSTED any of his comments, so it’d be pretty tough to erase them. That’s a fact I suppose.

**

YESTERDAY

Since your worried about monkeys in Kenya ask your mom to pleadge some! or get the Phoenix Coiyotes to send a million bucks to KENYA and make yourself feel good.Project your not part of anything important. go get a job Im retired at 40 .

Another note, I worked on a documentary about the post election violence in Kenya. Men, women and children were senselessly slaughtered. This is what he’s referring to.

**

lmao well Dumaway. since your still in moms basement worried about Canadians again. id like you to come on over to 145th lane and West Becker and we can chat by the pool and teach you about Hockey. Yes the dogs are cold The Canadian flag does look great over the NHL banner and coyotes banner, hell the 183 fans still have no idea what off side is.

**

The asshole blogger here is mad at Canada and Canadians but its all good beacuse i own property all over his desert wasteland, He was a chicken ass pussy in school and couldnt play baseball or football or basketball, so he stayed in his moms basement watching 10000 hrs of hockey clips and jumped behind him mommys laptop to spread the word of hockey …Please go blog about my pool  lady whos super hot, and wearing a Nordiques jersey. psssssttt  and she lives in Westgate too..

**

I honestly beleive you love Dave Shoalts, your knowledge of hockey can be placed on the erasure of a pencil. Please find another topic, your giving me the shits. Lets talk about my 3 rental properites in AZ or my water bill is rising , and taxes are going up , plus my fav chinese restaurant went tits up in avondale. hey i also was in El mirage and i couldnt help but over hear the people wishing the NHL would go away since everyone on my block  retired and complaing of taxes. Could you please talk about Glendale problems. you seem very smart. Enlighten me on how much money the city pissed away on hockey  tough guy!

**

I think this blogger idiot , should stick to finding another sport to follow since your temporary hockey team is leaving town. Im sure you and the 138 fans from phoenix and the idiot from saskatoon  who left a message above  can find a new way to spend your time, like maybe golfing, nascar, greyhound racing, or standing  around the Blowjob Arena with a jar , asking for pennies to pay back “20″ million plus the city has lost wich is leading to job cuts in fire, ems and police. So i guess to the coyotes fans, i say too bad so sad, There is no place for hockey in desert. The Count  him self is now realizing this mistake, and the only place for this to turn around is Quebec City. Sorry folks to break your blogging bubbles. As for the Canadian Media yapping, if it wasnt for your Coyotes managment puckering there asses to the rumours they would not have leaked them to the media . The rumours come from your own back yard ya jackass blogging fool. Im  done with you fools i cant wait to have the plug pulled on this shit show, and to the idiots and blogger on this site. Next year when you see this Team with fleur de lise on the sweaters of the Nordiques you can write a blog or daydream of how hockey was meant to be ,in a market which IS A HOCKEY  Market  you fucking idiots.

DURRR

When we last left our intrepid Coyotes insider (oh wait he lives in Canada & is consistently wrong about all things Coyotes), he was giving out economic forecasts! What other hidden talents has Mr. Shoalts been hiding from us? Read on (or stab yourself in the face for similar effect)!

Finally, after $50-million and who knows how much more was poured into the Phoenix Coyotes, Glendale Mayor Elaine Scruggs had her come-to-Jesus moment.

Not really. She’s not running for re-election & is largely irrelevant in the negotiation process. You would know this if you paid attention & weren’t looking for cheap website hits.

As a result, she fired the first shot in what looks to be a messy divorce from the NHL and happy marriage with Quebec City or Seattle or some other city.

Everyone knows marriage with French Canadians inevitably ends up with a teary eyed divorce acted out by mimes over crepes.

Seriously though David? I’ve read some LOUSY journalism from Canadians, but this takes the cake. First off, you said the exact same crap last year- what happened? (I’m fully aware the Coyotes might move, but Jesus Christ, not even the self awareness to say “Well, I’ve been wrong before?”)

And on what planet do you think the NHL considers QC a “happy” destination? The NHL wants a team in QC like I want an annoying asthmatic child following me around & pulling on my sleeve crying, “Look at me, look at me!” Seattle is entirely preferable (U.S. market, NBC deal, growth etc.). QC is a dead end. No one in the U.S. cares about QC, just like no one in the U.S. cares about Winnipeg. Guess how many WPG games NBC aired?? If you guessed, “One, because they fucking had to.” then you understand basic sports television… and basic economics too.

During a city council budget meeting on Tuesday, Scruggs unloaded on the NHL, which she accused of misleading Glendale officials about the prospects of selling the Coyotes, particularly last year when Chicago businessman Matthew Hulsizer was interested. She also wants a refund on the money the suburban city put up to help cover this season’s losses.

Let’s not forget that Hulsizer came pretty fucking close to buying the team. Also, Jamison was sniffing around the Coyotes post-Hulsizer, so the NHL’s contention isn’t inaccurate.

Scruggs said there is no deal in sight to sell the Coyotes despite the NHL’s claims it is negotiating with multiple parties. Finally, the mayor said there is no way she will ever agree to a proposal to throw another $20-million at the NHL, dressed up as a management fee for Jobing.com Arena, to help it through yet another season if no owner is found.

The mayor is delusional. Any arena management is going to cost 10 million dollars plus. Just a reality, so who gives a fuck if it goes to the NHL? Plus, if it means that Glendale doesn’t lose out on 300+ jobs at Westgate, arena bankruptcy and a PR disaster & that money also gives Jamison, who has turned around a failing franchise, the chance put the Coyotes in the black- uhh, why not?

(See how context and research makes anything Shoalts says look positively juvenile?)

At the end of Scruggs’s tirade, Beasley said he did have something to report on the Coyotes, so city council needed to go into an executive session, which is not open to the public. Beasley said he expects the NHL to cut some sort of an agreement to sell the Coyotes quickly but offered no information on the prospective buyer or a price or, most important, whether Glendale would have to pony up any money for the club, which did not impress city councillor Phil Lieberman.

So ANYONE, who has followed the Coyotes saga for ANY amount of time knows that the word “Lieberman” basically means “fucking clueless.” He’s a joke, no one takes him seriously. For instance, he calls his own press conferences with no topic defined then yells at the one reporter that shows up to ask him questions. That happened.

So of course, he’s David’s go-to-guy for a quote. By the way David, who out of all the possible buyers do you think Beasley was referring to? I mean, for Christ’s sake, there’s only TWO buyers named publicly. You couldn’t use all your journalistic crystal ball juju and venture a guess?

The only prospective buyer who did not come to Glendale with his hand out was the much-reviled Jim Balsillie, who wanted to move the Coyotes to Hamilton. Thus it’s safe to say there are no prospective buyers looking to pay the NHL’s asking price of $170-million for a club that loses $20-million in a good year, plus pay the city a reasonable rent and not ask for a cut of the arena’s revenue.

In David’s pretend world Jim Balsillie is a brilliant businessman who wasn’t drop kicked into “Get the fuck out land and don’t come back” by RIM. Any hockey operation ran by Balsillie would have been a laughable disaster. Laughable disaster?… word association… Canadian journalists…. nah nevermind.

The NHL still holds all the cards, though, which is good news for the folks in Quebec, Seattle or wherever. Officially, Bettman and the NHL have been in position to move the Coyotes since Dec. 31, when a deadline for the city to find a local owner passed.

No shit David- why do you think the NHL has been avoiding moving the Coyotes to Canada? Or Seattle (where no ownership group exists, but IS an attractive option)? What LOGICALLY makes sense? Is it because Gary Bettman is an evil dictator hellbent on turning Phoenix into a winter wasteland where Phoenicians worship at the altar of hockey?

Or is it because, despite the Canadian media’s best work to make shit up, that the NHL doesn’t want to leave Phoenix? And why could that be? Take a look at the two most successful leagues in the WORLD, the MLB/NFL, and get back to me.

Addendum: Two sources of mine (ooo look at me, someone with a day job has “sources”- one has to try, David, just try) one in the Coyotes organization & one involved in negotiations think the Coyotes will stay. I’ll happily admit they could be wrong, but that sure sounds different from all the doom & gloom coming out of Canada.

Weird, since the Canadian media has never been wrong before.

Kony Filmmakers

3 years ago a friend introduced me to Tyler Batson. Tyler had just returned from Kenya (he had been before) armed with hours upon hours of footage that he wanted to transform into a documentary illuminating the strength of the Kenyan people as they recovered from the brutality of post-election violence.

The promotional trailer is under my projects tab for those who are interested.

While I was familiar with some of the issues of the 2007-2008 Kenyan violence, I was no expert, but the subject (obviously) interests me. So today’s brouhaha viral anti-Kony launch from the Invisible Children folks has piqued my interest. On the surface I can’t help but want to root for the IC people. They seem nice and I actually sat through one of their presentations while I was in college. Save the African people? Cool, I’m on board for that.

Unfortunately if you spend a bit of time researching what they are trying to accomplish and how they are doing it you might be a little less enthused.

Firstly, before I get to my tactical complaints, Invisible Children was only able to allocate 31% of total donations to actually help people in Africa. So, right off the bat, that note is a bit disconcerting.

Secondly, being able to hear 30+ hours of interviews with everyday Kenyans only scratched the surface of the motivations behind their own horrific civil unrest (unrest is such a poor word for the violence, rape, murder, etc.) In 2009 the scars were still vivid. On the surface the violence was an election dispute. Dig a little more and you realize that the tribal lines that etch out the rules of Kenyan society had been simmering for a long time. Government corruption run rampant and combination of these factors led to a brutal confrontation and crackdown. But, I’m no expert. What I do know is that African conflicts are often dumbed down and packaged in easy to understand platitudes for an American audience to digest.

For instance, It might be a bit of revelation to hear that the Ugandan people had already begun their own healing process, independent of American sentiment.

To wit,

As many observers point out, the [Ugandan] negotiations, based in Juba, South Sudan, were all the more remarkable because, for the first time, issues of justice and accountability were negotiated between the warring parties. Indeed, an agreement between the LRA and the Government of Uganda on these issues was entered into. It combined traditional justice mechanisms with formal prosecutions, not through the ICC, but a special division of Uganda’s High Court. In turn, Kony was offered an amnesty and a guarantee that the government would work to ensure that the ICC arrest warrants were dropped.

This peace process & negotation is not easy. That article refers to events that occurred in 2008, but it was a start- and a good one. Uganda is enjoying peace. An uneasy peace to be sure. Many parents have to wrestle with their sons and daughters somehow returning home from an army (the LRA) that may have murdered their neighbors.

As one article eloquently put it:

Yet the LRA poses a stark dilemma to the people of northern Uganda: it is now composed primarily of child soldiers, most of whom were abducted and forced to join the rebel ranks and commit atrocities. Labeling them “victims” or “perpetrators” becomes particularly problematic as they are often both.

Furthermore, the crisis in northern Ugandan is not seen by its citizens as one that is the result of the LRA. Yes, you read that right. The conflict in the region is viewed as one wherein both the Government of Uganda and the LRA, as well as their regional supporters (primarily South Sudan and Khartoum, respectively) have perpetrated and benefited from nearly twenty-five years of systemic and structural violence and displacement. This pattern is what Chris Dolan has eloquently and persuasively termed ‘social torture‘ wherein both the Ugandan Government and the LRA’s treatment of the population has resulted in symptoms of collective torture and the blurring of the perpetrator-victim binary.

So this isn’t a case of “GET ER DONE LET’S GET EM.” And I wonder why the IC movement seems to have latched onto that mantra. Raising awareness that Kony has torn apart many, many lives isn’t going to make him disappear or return kids to their homes. (One could argue, if anything, we’re simply raising his profile).  And what happens when we catch him, this new icon of America’s conscience reborn? His army is made up of Ugandans who were kidnapped. Whom do we encourage the Ugandans to punish? We certainly seem to suddenly have to do SOMETHING.

I admired Tyler because the story he told thrust no solutions upon the Kenyan people. There was no villain. The story was simply the strength of a nation determined to rebuild itself. The violence was merely a backdrop a few moments to tell how we arrived.

One last bit, emphasis mine:

While sporadic violence continues, particularly as a result of bitter land disputes, there have been no LRA attacks in years. In the mid 2000s, the ‘LRA problem’ was exported out of Uganda. The LRA is currently residing in the DRC, CAR, and perhaps parts of South Sudan and even Darfur. Today, land issues and the recent Walk to Work crisis are higher on the agenda than the LRA in northern Uganda.

So internet, we’ve found our next boogieman. Now what?