Current Affairs With David Shoalts
I’ve finally reached my breaking point.
As a long time Phoenix Coyote fan, I’m constantly bombarded with stupidity on my twitter account about how much I “totally SUK, LOL.” This is totally fine of course since it usually comes from twitter accounts based in Bumfuck, Canada and I could give a crap.
However, I’m sick and tired of lazy reporters like Gary Lawless from the Winnipeg Free Press and David Shoalts from The Toronto Globe and Mail and their bullshit rumormongering/regurgitating that I’ve decided to commit to a weekly column mocking them and their clown reporting.
I’ve met very decent, kind and responsible reporters from Canada- and the “journalism” that these two exhibit is just pathetic. Let’s begin shall we? Take it away, David.
Alas, the latest report that the Phoenix Coyotes have a “serious” buyer in negotiations, the 432nd such report by my calculations, was shot down by various people with a connection to the NHL’s longest-running farce.
This report later confirmed to be true in every respect by ESPN among other credible sources. Journalism is HARRDDDD, isn’t it David?
However, all is not lost. This modest corner of the sporting world can offer yet another rich guy who can finally put all concerned out of their misery.
Greg Jamison? The guy mentioned in the factual report you just blew off? Or do you have some moronic tangent to go on?
We speak of W. Brett Wilson, the Calgary financier and television star whose name comes up regularly as a potential NHL owner.
BORING TANGENT ALERT. BORING TANGENT ALERT.
Now, there are a few obstacles, such as the fact Wilson is hoping to be approved soon as a part-owner of the Nashville Predators and protested through e-mail that he is not part of any Coyotes bid.
So the rest of this article is pointless?
However, it is Wilson’s new television show that is more of interest here.
Wilson’s new show is the appropriately titled Risky Business,
Does Tom Cruise host hooker parties in his underwear?? That’d be interesting.
In each of the 13 episodes, couples (married, unmarried and otherwise) risk their life savings on their choice of two “high-risk, high-reward” business ventures put forward by two entrepreneurs. The couple invests in one, Wilson takes the other and the viewers see who loses their shirts and who makes money over the next 30 days.
Wow, what a horrible premise: take your life savings and entrust them into a shitty reality show on the SLICE CHANNEL? I can see why you’d want to enthuse over this, David.
As you can see, this is perfect for NHL commissioner Gary Bettman’s quest to unload the Coyotes.
My God, he’s done it! Forget competent ownership, a broad marketing strategy and the end of the recession- REALITY TV, THAT’S THE TICKET.
Bringing the Coyotes to Risky Business is a win-win situation for all concerned. Bettman finally gets to pitch the Coyotes to people actually prepared to make an investment with their own money, Wilson gets a sure ratings winner and the rest of us get to see yet another train wreck or the biggest win ever against all odds.
Things that could have been reported in this article: Facts. Quotes. Numbers?
Things discussed ad nauseum: endorsement for a shitty show on a shitty channel.
So far, the proposed investments for the couples on Risky Business seem rather conservative compared with the Coyotes. One fellow will try to sell his plan to buy, race and sell a standardbred horse, all in 30 days. Another says there is a great market in rare wine labels. And there is a would-be promoter asking for backing on a one-night event at a nightclub.
Oh horsetrack racing, wine labels and NIGHT CLUBS- that’s a fucking solid investment strategy. David Shoalts- financial adviser to the stars.
As anyone who has listened to Bettman gloss over the troubles of the NHL knows, he could talk Charlie Sheen into joining the Women’s Christian Temperance Union.
HEYYY-OOOO. A Charlie Sheen joke. I see David has managed to fire up the interwebs and navigate to the googles AND TIME TRAVEL 4 MONTHS IN THE PAST FOR THAT GEM OF A JOKE.
Okay, there still might be a problem or two. Wilson and his producers say any proposed venture has to have the potential to turn a profit in 30 days. Maybe they could make it 30 years, just for the Coyotes.
/smugly smiles, pats Coyote fan on the head, sniffs own fart
There is also the size of the investment from each couple. In the first two episodes of the show, the biggest investment is $10,000.
Then again, that is roughly equivalent to how much of their own money the potential Coyotes buyers so far have been willing to put up.
FLASHBACK: Shoalts reports Hulsizer has $100,000,000 in escrow to close Coyotes deal.
BREAKING NEWS: Shoalts is a moron.